Budget Hamburger Schnitzel Recipe

Directions:

1. This dish is a lesson in time management, combining three complex elements with very different cooking times, ranging from 20 minutes to 1 minute. Keeping this in mind, we can start cooking.
2. STEP ONE. Put the Chicken patties in the oven. They don't really care what they're cooked on, so I used Aluminum Foil.
3. STEP TWO. Set the oven to 400° F. Don't worry about preheating that garbage. Because the patties are frozen, this gradual rise in temperature will allow them to grow into healthy adult Chicken Patties with big strong muscles and crispy brown breading.
4. STEP THREE. This step probably should have been mentioned inside of step two, but it's too late now, isn't it. Set a timer for 20 minutes. I know the bag says that's on the high end, and you never set the timer for the high end, but trust me. That ish takes 20 minutes.
5. STEP FOUR. Screw around for 15 minutes. Literally nothing happens during this 15 minutes, other than your Chicken Patties growing nice and strong.
6. STEP FIVE. Realize that you've been staring at a wall for 15 minutes and rush to get everything ready for the eggs. Time to get out a frying pan, a spatula, that 1/4th stick of butter, and 3-5 beautiful eggs. They MUST be beautiful. Around this time, your beautiful Chicken Patties are entering a short-lived pubescent stage.
7. STEP SIX. At this point, those young, strong Chicken Patties are developing relationships with each-other, and with only 3 minutes on the timer, they're right on schedule. It is time to begin cooking those beautiful eggs. Eggs grow up much faster than Chicken Patties, much like the difference between Dogs and Humans. Fry each of those lovely eggs sunny side up, or if you're scared of runny whites, over easy.
8. STEP SEVEN. The timer should have gone off in the middle of you flipping an egg, but that's ok. The Chicken Patties actually take 21 minutes to perfect themselves, so you're ok. It'll all be ok. Just take them right out of the oven, and put them on a plate. Don't eat them yet, because they aren't complete. They need hats.
9. STEP EIGHT. Add the hats. The eggs, that is. Add the eggs. To the patties. Put the... yeah, right there... on the... yep. Perfect.
10. STEP NINE. While those are cooling, get out the bread and pop some in the toaster. The bread is only for cleanup of the yolk, so depending on your Chicken Patty yolk absorption skills, you may only need half a slice. Be sure to lean the bread loaf precariously close to the heating element where the egg pan was previously.
11. STEP TEN. Stare at the toaster. This is crucial to the next step.
12. STEP ELEVEN. Holy shit the bread is on fire the bread the bread THE BREAD
13. STEP TWELVE. Now that the bread is no longer on fire, and your kitchen has a nice smokey flavor, you can sit down and enjoy your Americanized Hamburger Schnitzel.
14. STEP THIRTEEN. Figure out a way to keep your charred bread bag closed.