9716 you gotta kidding Recipes

vidalia or other sweet onions, water, white vinegar, sugar, mayonnaise, celery salt, saltine crackers

sole fillets (or any white fish), softened butter, grated parmesan cheese

cereal (gotta have your bowl), front seat, back seat (pick 1), convertable vehicle top down, friend by your right

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

sour mix, coconut rum (or more if you like ), sweetened lime juice, maraschino cherry juice, grenadine, up lemon-lime flavored soda, maraschino cherry (with stem ), ice

rolled oats, plain yogurt (fat free is great), vegetable oil, brown sugar, egg, whole wheat flour, salt, baking soda, baking powder, blueberries (you name it) or 1 cup apples (you name it) or 1 cup pumpkin (you name it) or 1 cup rhubarb (you name it)

fresh lime juice (or more ), olive oil, apple cider vinegar or 1 tbsp any other kind vinegar, garlic powder, ground cumin, salsa, nonfat yogurt (optional) or 2 tbsp nonfat sour cream (optional), kidney beans, drained and rinsed (you can also use black or any other type of beans), avocado, diced, tomatoes, halved, cilantro, coarsely chopped, romaine lettuce or 5 oz butter lettuce, carrots, sliced, baked corn tortilla chips, very lean ground turkey, cooked with taco seasoning, basil, green onions or chives, chopped, toasted pepitas, black olives, low-fat cheese, shredded, jalapeno, seeded and minced

ground beef, ground pork, onions, chopped, bell peppers, chopped (any colours), button mushrooms or 10 -15 chestnut mushrooms, chopped, garlic cloves, minced, chopped stewed tomatoes with herbs (you might want to use 3 cans), tomato paste, tomato ketchup (heinz), water (i prefer milk, you can also use a bit of both) or 1 cup milk (i prefer milk, you can also use a bit of both), dried oregano, dried basil, sugar, vegetable bouillon granules (optional), salt , to taste, pepper , to taste

best basic red sauce , recipe follows, or store-bought pasta sauce, egg, lean ground beef, chopped yellow onions, minced garlic, dried basil, dried oregano, dried parsley, ground black pepper, yellow mustard, ketchup, baby bam seasoning , recipe follows, salt, salt, olive oil, spaghetti

banana (or use more if you need to), graham cracker, cream (vegan or dairy), cinnamon (optional), soymilk, artificial sweetener, vanilla extract, cornstarch, oil

apple, cored (peel if you want), prunes, dates, bananas, eggs, butter, softened, vanilla, salt, orange juice, whole wheat flour, sunflower seeds, rolled oats, chopped walnuts, powdered milk, baking powder, baking soda, coconut

vermicelli, nonfat sour cream, fat cottage cheese, eggs, beaten, dark raisin, granulated sugar, pistachios, unsalted,shelled & chopped, vanilla, cinnamon, ground nutmeg

spaghetti (you can use other types ), evaporated milk, american cheese, salt & pepper, pork and beans

kashi golean crunch cereal, dry-roasted soy nuts, dried cranberries (substitute any fruit you like), marshmallows, butter or 4 tsp margarine, don tsp omit this even to save the fat content, vanilla

cupcakes, white cake mix, blueberry yogurt (2-6oz. containers), water, vegetable oil, egg whites (you can use the whole egg, however the batter will be more green rather than blue.), cotton candy buttercream, blue cotton candy (4cup.); divided, butter; softened, powdered sugar ; sifted, milk

a seasoning or flavoring your kids love; ketchup barbecue sauce, soy or steak sauce, salt and freshly ground black pepper, skinless boneless, chicken breasts or chicken tenders ,cut into 1/2 inch cubes or very thin strips, unsalted butter, dried bread crumbs

sugar, margarine (2 sticks) or 1/2 lb butter (2 sticks), eggs (or 4 egg beaters plus 2 ), cake crumbs, salt, potato starch, chopped walnuts (any type you like ) or 1 cup pecans (any type you like) or 1 cup slivered almonds (any type you like), chocolate chips, cinnamon sugar, mixture