13 life ins Recipes

christmas with louise, as a joke , my brother, jay, used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before christmas. he said all he wanted was for santa to fill them., what they say about santa reviewing behavior and checking the list twice must be true because every christmas morning, although jay s kids stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty., year i decided to make his dream come true. i put on sunglasses and with a hat pulled down and went in search of an inflatable love doll. they don tsp sell those things at walmart., i had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. if you ve never been in an x-rated store, don tsp go. you ll only confuse yourself. i was there an hour saying things like, what does this do you re kidding me! who would buy that finally, i made it to the inflatable doll section. i wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so i could use the car pool lane, during rush hour. finding what i wanted was difficult. love dolls come in many different models. the top of the line , according to the side of the box, could do things i d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. i settled for lovable louise. she was at the bottom of the price scale. to call louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination., on christmas eve , with the help of an old bicycle pump, louise came to life., my sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after santa had come and gone, i filled the dangling pantyhose with louise s pliant legs and bottom. i also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. i went home, and giggled for a couple of hours., next morning my brother called to say that santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. she would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. we all agreed that louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional christmas dinner., my grandmother noticed louise the moment she walked in the door. what the hell is that she asked. my brother quickly explained , it s a doll. . who would play with something like that granny snapped. i had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. where are her clothes granny continued., boy , that turkey sure smells nice, gran, jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. but granny was relentless. why doesn tsp she have any teeth again, i could have answered, but why would i it was christmas and no 1 wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, hang on granny! hang on! ., my grandfather , a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, hey, who s the naked gallon by the fireplace i told him she was jay s friend. a few minutes later i noticed grandpa by the mantel, talking to louise. not just talking, but actually flirting. it was then that we realized this might be grandpa s last christmas at home., dinner went well. we made the usual small talk about who had died , who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. the cat screamed. i passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. my brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants laughing and granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car., it was indeed a christmas to treasure and remember. later in my brother s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of louise s collapse. we discovered that louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape , we restored her to perfect health., louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. i think grandpa still asks about her whenever he can get out of the house

enjoy life original bagels, poultry seasoning, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, parsley flakes, vegetable oil, water, tapioca flour, whole chicken breasts, cut in half (4 pieces total )

tomatoes, coarsely chopped, garlic cloves, chopped in half, fresh cilantro, coarsely chopped, jalapeno, diced, bell pepper, diced, red onion, diced, olive oil, juice of 1/4 to 1/2 fresh lime, salt and pepper to taste

chives diced at least half a cup, walla walla onions (1 about 3 inches in diameter) save the greens and dice them like you would chives, but just chop or chunk the wallas to thumb size piece, fresh garlic dice it fine, half cup of fried green tomato seasoning

fresh chinese wheat noodles, shaoxing wine or 1 1/2 tbsp dry sherry, hoisin sauce, cornstarch, boneless pork tenderloin , cut into 1/4 inch wide strips 2 inches long, dark soy sauce, oyster sauce, low sodium soy sauce, sugar, canola oil, cabbage, chopped, garlic, minced, green onions, sliced in 1 inch lengths

bone-in, skinless chicken pieces (about 4 lb), minced yellow onion, diced celery, diced carrots, dried bay leaf, chicken stock , low-sodium chicken broth, or water, diced chayote or butternut squash, peeled sweet potato, diced, ears corn, cut into 1/2-inch rounds, or 1 cup fresh corn kernels, loosely packed fresh dill sprigs, serrano pepper, thinly sliced, chopped fresh cilantro, salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste, limes, cut into wedges

ice cubes, beer (go with a nice american brew in this 1, such as miller high life), fresh lemonade, vodka, lemon slice for garnish

wake up, stretch, wipe sleep from eyes, throw on white mens shirt ,collar up, slip into blue jeans,ones with fewer holes, step into the white tennis shoes, run brush thou hair, jump in car, drive to grocery store, walk to the frozzen food section, nod to the 1 person you wished did nt see you in this ruffled mess, look at the slections, no,yes,no, what the heck, take them all, pay for purchase, drive home, pop toaster strudel in toaster, enjoy, life is short ,enjoy it all,even if it s only the different flavors of toaster strudels, hope you all have a great day

sliced peaches (in juice), raw sugar or 1/4 cup packed brown sugar, cornstarch (or tapioca starch), blueberries, blackberry, enjoy life snickerdoodle cookies, spectrum organic shortening, vanilla extract, brown sugar

cheerios toasted oat cereal, life cereal, shredded wheat cereal, pretzel, crackers , ritz, premium, etc, etc, etc... throw in any of those stale and cereals too (any kinds you like- we use cheese nips, rice (sesame), canola oil, soya sauce (i use 1/2 light and 1/2 dark ), sesame oil, garlic powder, onion powder (i don tsp measure, so approximate)

onion, chopped, oil, celery ribs, chopped, carrots, peeled and chopped, yellow split peas (less muddy tasting than green, and it makes for a lovely, elegant soup. if you are particularly fond), water, salt and pepper, to taste